‘Waking up’
‘I paint to wake up to who I am'
I really mean this. When i even think about starting a painting, the first thing that always happens is I start turning inwards, I start the check in...
how do I feel right now, what's going on in my head,
how does my body feel,
what emotions are present,
what mood,
what filter am I checking in with...kindness, or self judgment, apathy or disdain, or whatever might be colouring my seeing,
am I feeling connected, to myself, to what's around me,
am I feeling grounded, can I sense 'here', or am I distracted or caught up in traind of thought, worry, ruminating, fears...
And then...before I can even begin to look aruond me, to tune into a subject for painting, I stop.
I slow down.
I center my breathing.
I feel my body.
I wait.
...
and I wait.
And only when I feel an energy move within me, towards a colour or a shape or a theme, or a feeling, do I start to listen for what's wanting to come through me.
I love this so much.
Surrendering to a trust that what feels right will not only call forth, from little ole me, an image or process that I need, it will also lead me on a journey of discovery, of a revealing of yearnings, emotions, feelings, concepts, thoughts, joys, wonders, questions, struggles, pleas, that all are alive within me, waiting to be seen, uncovered, allowed expression.
For this, I paint.
For this I explore colour and line and light and dark and brushstroke and wash and thick and thin... I paint to come closer to who I am, and to give expression to all that is alive within me, to even discover what is alive within me. I paint to know who I am, and to experience the deep deep healing that comes with allowing what seems intangible, to take a shape, a form, that means I can start to see it, name it, know it, befriend it.
What a gift.
Sometimes, I struggle to connect to myself, I'm so vague in sensing what might like to come forth, but even then, when I surrender to that too, I realise there's a mood I want to find colours for, there's a texture or a feeling of spaciousness or tightness that I can sense into and put on the canvas. and this is it... this is the journey that brings out from the depths of me, hurts that need tending to, anger that needs a way to be let out, hopes and dreams that keep my heart alive, tendernesses that are so hard to express in other ways sometimes... so I trust, and surrender, and if weeks go by, with just layer after layer of one colour over anoher until a clearer vision arives, then that's what I do.
And I love it.
And I've discovered that each layer always ends up contributing to the final piece. Sometimes it's just a glimpse of a contrasting colour that peeps from underneath, sometimes is a glow or hue that gently effects all that has been painted on top of it. Sometimes is a huge part of the final painting, and is a perfect landscape for a completely different image that gets painted on top.
So without even thinking about whether an artwork is good or bad, sellable or printable etc, I've already been so fulfilled and nourished by the process itself. I've discovered things about myself I wouldn't otherwise get the cahnce to see. And I've become more present...more present. More real. More alive. More fullly embodied here on this earth. And that's not nothing.
It's everything.
And yes, often the final paintings are really special, not just to me, but to others too, who can resonate or feel touched by what I've painted.
So that's just a small insight into why I paint, and what motivates me.
